“I think anything that I describe as a struggle for me in the divorce process might sound like a generic issue everyone finds hard, but with neurodiversity it is the level of challenge, the intensity and quantity, I am told, that sets things apart from someone neurotypical – the physical and mental toll this takes, the levels of anxiety and exhaustion, the depth of emotion and overwhelm or confusion felt.”
This ADHD awareness month I wanted to give voice to my many clients who have ADHD. So this quote from my wonderfully eloquent client Louise (not her real name) feels like a fitting way to start this blog.
I don’t have a diagnosis myself, though I share many traits! I am also full-time carer to my lovely husband Nigel, whose ADHD was diagnosed before his early onset dementia.
In the decade of supporting women through divorce, I have noticed two main things about the clients that choose me. Quite often, they are in a high conflict situation (you can read more about high conflict here), and/or they have additional complexity in their lives – often relating to neurodiversity.
So in this blog I share three ADHD-related struggles my clients have told me about, and some suggestions for how to divorce your way when you have ADHD.
ADHD and Divorce Struggle 1: Trusting yourself
Does this sound like you? You’re often late or forget appointments. Ditto for paying bills or responding to life admin (school trip permission slips, getting the smear test booked). Your kitchen is a mess, with piles of stuff that don’t belong in there waiting to be transported/sorted. Even when you know something’s important, or urgent, you just can’t do it, until it’s almost too late, or actually too late. You get your phone out to check the weather and find yourself jumping between apps – 40 minutes later you still haven’t checked the weather. You spend a lot of your life apologising, and feeling like a letdown.
Trusting yourself when you have years of being told you are lazy, incompetent or crazy, and/or telling yourself the same thing might feel impossible. But that’s why the increase in awareness about ADHD and how it can present, especially in women, is so vital. You are not lazy, incompetent or crazy. Your brain works differently, and navigating the world is often harder.
Being kinder to yourself is the number one step – both in life and in your divorce. When you recognise your ADHD means you require different approaches or support, you can put those things in place (see struggle 3, below).
How do you develop self-trust with ADHD? My recent blog about using the BRAVING model to develop self-trust in divorce applies to all types of brains, and I recommend a quick read.
I also recommend you spend some time reflecting on how ADHD shows up in your life – rather than the stereotypes, get specific and personal.
It may be that your rejection sensitivity means you don’t trust your responses in relation to others. It may be that your time blindness means you’re often late. Or perhaps your executive dysfunction means you struggle to finish projects. Maybe you always lose your keys or your phone. You are the expert in you. ADHDUK has some useful resources.
Once you have recognised how ADHD shows up, you can start to put in the support you need. Treat yourself as your best friend. If they needed support you wouldn’t accuse them of being lazy, or stupid, would you?
ADHD and Divorce Struggle 2: Your neurodiversity being used against you
Here’s what one of my clients has to say about her neurodiversity and divorce:
‘My ex is using all my differences as a scapegoat to try and mask or excuse his abusive behaviour, he is even saying my neurodivergence not only ruined our marriage, but that it was abusive to him. I have lost many of my closest friends.’
I hope it is obvious that neurodivergence is not something that should be weaponised during divorce, and it’s a sign of controlling behaviour if your soon-to-be-ex is making that move.
Given the ‘no fault’ system in England and Wales, the courts don’t have any interest in why a marriage broke down. But that doesn’t escape the emotional pain of having your neurodivergence used against you.
Every divorce is unique, and it would be wrong for me to make generalisations about how your neurodivgence will affect you and your divorce process. However, I will say that understanding and accepting your ADHD reduces the shame you feel, regardless of what your soon-to-be-ex says or does. Which reduces their power to intimidate you.
I always recommend my clients focus on what they can control, rather than try and play mind or power games. Unfortunately, many of their exes don’t follow that advice! It’s so important to seek and find a community of people where you can be yourself, where you can get a reality check and the support you need. It’s one of the reasons I established The Absolute Academy six years ago.
ADHD and Divorce Struggle 3: Making practical progress in your divorce
When you have a naturally busy brain, constantly scanning for the next thing, it can feel impossible to get on with the dull, and sometimes emotionally painful, process of divorce.
Next time on the blog I will share five ways to make divorce more doable when you have ADHD, so look out for that. For now, I will leave you with two reflections from clients who have ADHD:
‘I did Emma’s course and read her book to start with – I went from knowing nothing about the law and my rights or how the process works or what to expect, to feeling empowered, knowing where I stood and how to proceed. This was massive!’
‘I worried about spending money on Absolute Academy and how angry my ex would be when he found out, but it has been the biggest, most sustained and best support I have had this year.’
You can buy the book for just £14.99 here.
And you can join The Absolute Academy here – I’d love to support you too!
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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