The one major thing that my clients with ADHD tell me is that they don’t know how they’ll manage their divorce. They already feel overwhelmed. Often they feel lazy, disorganised and incompetent: ‘not a real adult’.
As a divorce coach who has supported clients with ADHD for years, and as a full-time carer for my husband, who has ADHD as well as early onset dementia, I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t! These are my five client-focussed ways to make divorce more do-able when you have ADHD.
Do divorce in bitesize chunks
The overwhelm is real! Neurodiversity can cause extra fatigue due to the extra mental effort you are using. Please remember that divorce doesn’t need to be tackled in one go. Give yourself permission to break it down into achievable steps.
Not sure what they are, or where to even start? That’s what I’m here for! My Understanding Divorce Cards help you get to grips with one aspect of divorce each day, for 30 days. Each day you’ll have just one task to complete to empower you with understanding divorce.
And if you join The Absolute Academy, you’ll see all the video resources are in bitesize, five minute lessons. So it’s easy to absorb the information and focus without getting distracted.
Get the support you need
Not all support is the same, and I know from clients that it can be demoralising and disempowering when the ‘support’ you receive hinders rather than helps – maybe you blame yourself for still not being able to get on with your divorce despite that expensive advice or your neighbour having her divorce sorted months ago?
The answer is to be clear about the support you need to make divorce work for you. What might that look like?
- Ask any professionals involved in your divorce for clarification if you need it – do not be afraid to ask ‘stupid’ questions (or work with me to debrief)
- Ask for reasonable adjustments, such as someone in the room to help you take notes during meetings
- Let your employer know what’s happening so they can make adjustments to your work where possible. This resource pack from ADHD UK has some useful information to share with your employer if they are unaware of how to support you
- Get focussed 1:1 support from a coach, for example with my Clarity Over Coffee coaching
Make use of body doubling for divorce admin
So you’ve broken your divorce down into manageable tasks, but you’re still not actually sitting down and getting on with them? This is where body doubling can be a divorce game changer. Here’s how to make body doubling work to move your divorce forward:
- Identify the person – you need someone who understands you, and who will be there without judgement, and also without distracting you with chat!
- Identify the time and place – is your own home too distracting because there are so many other things you could get on with? Go to a cafe, or the library with your body double, or their place. Experiment with timings based on your energy
- Be clear about what you want to get done during each session so you can debrief with your body double at the end
- Don’t be over-ambitious! Set yourself a manageable task, rather than ‘doing your divorce’ in one hour!
Be yourself and be in safe places
One of the most exhausting aspects of neurodiversity is masking in a world that’s not set up for how neurodiverse brains work. So seek out people who get it, whether that’s with dedicated ADHD networks, trusted friends, or divorce support groups.
I can 100% reassure you that The Absolute Academy welcomes all types of brains! I actively try to ensure the resources and information I share, and my live sessions, are accessible, and always welcome feedback. One of my members says,
‘I like the fact there are different ways to ask for advice: this helps with neurodivergence as well as the limitations of adjusting to single parenting.’
Look after yourself
Finally, one of my key messages to all my readers and clients is that you are more than your divorce, and that it’s important to mentally ‘put it down’ regularly. This goes double for clients with ADHD!
I know that managing time can be particularly difficult for people with ADHD, so I highly recommend you do one thing: schedule a non-negotiable rest date with yourself every week. Put it in a planner, scrawl it in lipstick on your bathroom mirror, put reminders on your phone. And stick to it!
Divorce is exhausting and living life with ADHD with exhausting (as well as sometimes exhilarating). Give yourself a break and do something you adore.
If you have ADHD and are in the midst of divorce, I’d love to know what you think!
Contact me with your ideas on how to make divorce more do-able when you have ADHD!
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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