Divorce first steps – getting started when you don’t know how

Last time on the blog I shared the signs that #divorceMonday might be more than media hype for you this year.

And the number one sign? You’re ready to take action. If you’ve shifted from dreaming about a new life, to looking that reality in the eye and being prepared to make it happen, then this is the right time for you.

No more nights spent complaining about your spouse with friends over wine, only to carry on as normal until the next time. You’re ready for change. But what are your divorce first steps?

What’s stopping you?

So you know it’s not just the Christmas stress that’s got you on the divorce path. It’s something you’ve thought about for a while, you know life doesn’t have to be like this and you want to do something about it.

So why haven’t you done anything yet? In my years of experience as a divorce coach I’ve seen hundreds of women reach this point. My own research suggests that divorce can be on the minds of women for around five years before they do something about it.

And at the heart of it all is one basic emotion. Fear.

Fear comes to us in various costumes:

• What if this makes everything worse?
• I don’t think I can afford it!
• The children will be upset.
• What if I can’t cope?

Here’s the thing. Living with fear is no way to live. It’s not good for you, it’s not good for your children. It’s keeps alive a situation that is keeping you small and unhappy. Take those divorce first steps.

Make the decision to act

Taking action does not have to mean you pack your bags, or get on the phone to an expensive solicitor. Action is not the same as rash action. All action means is that you move from a state of dreaming to an active state, where you are in control.

And, yes, that can feel scary, because when you take control you take responsibility for yourself – and remember, it’s only you and your children you can be responsible for. What your soon-to-be-ex-husband, friends, his  friends, or the neighbours think or do is their business, not yours.

Taking action is the only medicine for fear, or lack of confidence.

Remember the children’s book by Michael Rosen We’re Going on a Bear Hunt? You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you have to go through it. Action reduces fear and grows confidence.

Keep it simple

There are plenty of ways you can get active now.

You can surround yourself with supportive women – you’ll find others going through the same thing as you in my free group Ladies Who Leave.

You can start researching your options. My book ‘How To Be a Lady Who Leaves’ is a great start to understanding the divorce process and doing it your way.

You can talk to trusted friends or family about your thoughts and develop a support network around you.

But it can still feel overwhelming.

Divorce is a big deal (it can be one of the most positive things you ever do, but that doesn’t stop it being a big deal). Where do you start? How do you make this happen as smoothly as possible? And, importantly for lots of us, how do you avoid throwing thousands of pounds at solicitors in the process?

Join Get Divorce Ready

If you want a guaranteed, step-by-step guide to navigating divorce on your terms, the Get Divorce Ready programme is for you.

It combines:

• Workbooks to break down the process into manageable actions so you do the right things in the right order
• Coaching to get your head and heart lined up, and stay in confident, action mode for the rest of your divorce and beyond
• A group where you can receive tailored support and ask any questions – and the only stupid questions are the ones you don’t ask! I keep numbers low so everyone gets the support they need.

So, if you want to:

• Avoid the common pitfalls many women make
• Save money on solicitor’s fees (often thousands of pounds)
• Build the confidence you need to do this your way
• Get direct, personalised coaching from me
• Be part of a small, supportive group of other action-takers who will cheer you all the way

Then claim one of the few places left on Get Divorce Ready. We start 31st January 2019.

The Divorce Alchemist

Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is author of the Amazon best selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a practising family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready the online self study and group programmes. Emma is featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com