Divorce: Is September the new January?

Did you know that September sees a surge in the number of people searching  the internet for divorce advice in September?

If you are searching for divorce advice in September, you’re not alone. So are thousands of other people. But how can you be really sure that you’ve come to the end of the road in your marriage?  In September, it feels like you can’t escape the ‘Back to School’ frenzy that infiltrates every area of your life. From shopping Malls to TV Ads “Back to School’ signifies new beginnings and it has become the second bite of the cherry for the year. A new school year means a fresh start, right?

But what if I was to tell you that adults feel this way about their relationships too. Would that surprise you?

So how do you know if it really is sayonara and good night in your marriage? These 5  tips will help you decide whether you just have a bad case of the Back to School Blues, or whether you’re headed for the Divorce Courts.

1. Make sure you don’t have ‘new beginning envy’ 

Thinking that a new start will change everything is common. But if the issue is with you, it goes with you. You can run as far and as fast as you like, but trust me, you can’t run away from you. So, it’s important that you take time to work out where the issues lie. If they lie within you, get them fixed first. Seek counselling or see a therapist.

Now it might be that your relationship is causing, or at least exacerbating your issues, that’s something that you need to consider, but here’s the thing, identifying the issues and the source of them is a massive step towards resolving them.  Remember that however envious you may feel of others making a fresh start, it’s not easy.

Waiting for them to change is like waiting for Christmas when your Birthday is in April

2.  Look at what you’re willing to change 

You can only change you, not the other person. Waiting for them to change is like waiting for Christmas when your Birthday is in April. If there are any changes to be made they have to come from you. That’s not to say that you won’t inspire change in the other person, but don’t rely on it. If genuinely the problems are all caused by the other person, and they have no intention of doing anything different, the chances are, you’re headed for the Divorce Courts.

3.  Be prepared to ask for what you want and need 

However long you have been married, your spouse is not a mind reader. You have to be prepared to communicate your wants and needs. Sounds easy right? In reality, not so easy. If it was, we’d all be doing it. We’d all be blissfully happy getting our needs met, or moving on to pastures new. In reality, asking for what you want and need is hard. Particularly if you aren’t used to doing it. But what do you have to lose? Doing it now really is a win:win. You may receive what you want and need and your relationship gets back on track. Or, if it doesnt work for you, you’ll at least be practiced at it for when you meet a new partner! Okay, so you can thank me later for that one.

4.  Be prepared to hear things that you don’t want to hear 

Listen, like really listen. It takes two people to destroy a marriage; just as it takes two to make a great one. Are you willing to accept your responsibility?  Ooh, I can feel your hackles going up on this one like a cat facing off a dog.

But you gotta really get this one if you want to be sure that your relationship is over. No one is perfect ok? No. Not even you. By being willing to really listen, you’ll learn a lot. I mean, a lot. Stuff about yourself you don’t even know and about the deeper dynamics of your relationship. It’ll be a toe-curling, cringy hate-fest at points, but you’ll survive.

On the other side, is a greater awareness of the things that don’t make you proud of you, but that do make you, you. Then you can learn to recognise them and accept them as part of you.

I’ll let you into a secret that until now only 2 people on the planet know….. sshh listen up… when people tread on my ‘self-worth value’ I go apoplectic with rage. Like proper screaming banshee woman. Its only happened a few times in my whole life. But push that button and stand back dude you are gonna get it. But that’s me. Am I proud of that, no. But its me. Simple.

I can feel your hackles going up on this one like a cat facing off a dog

5. When nothing else has worked – make a plan

When you know it’s over, it’s over. Making a plan is about being sensible and rational. Its not about being devious and underhand. Planning is just the sensible way forward. When you got married, you probably spent months or even years planning right?

Thinking about what you wanted.

Thinking about what you didn’t want.

Looking at your budget, imagining your future. Ok so it was fun right? But it also served a purpose. It kept you on track, moving forward. When it comes to your divorce,  planning can save you both emotional distress and lots of money. It helps you stay focused. It allows you to consider what you want and what you need. It helps you keep it real. It doesn’t need to involve a solicitor until you’re clear about why you need one! You can read more about that in this blog,  when should I contact a divorce solicitor.

So as we move into September, Remember that you aren’t alone in having doubts about your relationship. You might be tempted to put thoughts of moving on out of your head until after Christmas because it all seems like too much hassle. In truth, if you take it step by step, moving on from your relationship is easier than you think.

I’m Emma The Divorce Alchemist. I help ladies who leave make smarter emotional and financial decisions in their divorce. I help them decide if divorce is the right decision for them and help them put a plan into place. I’m the author of the ebook The Smarts Woman’s Divorce Guide that helps you take those first steps. Feel free to download it if you feel it can help you. You can visit my website at www.emmaheptonstall.com to find out more about how divorce coaching can help you.