Over the past few years I’ve coached an increasing number of neurodivergent women who are struggling with divorce. While I don’t have ADHD myself (though I share many traits), I am the full time carer of my husband, who has a longstanding diagnosis of ADHD, and I have training and experience in supporting women with ADHD. Here are the top five ADHD divorce-tamers my clients tell me worked for them.
Get someone else on the case
Don’t get too excited, you can’t fully delegate your divorce! But, especially for people who have ADHD, it can be easy to slip into avoidance mode for the tasks that are a big turn-off. And no-one relishes divorce paperwork.
So get the support and advice you need. If you don’t know where to start, please don’t start with a solicitor – you will be throwing away money. Start by reading How To Be A Lady Who Leaves. Read a short chapter every day and reward yourself. This will help you set the scene for divorce and engage in a manageable way.
A session with me can help you cut through the overwhelm quickly. You’ll know exactly what you can ignore (which may be a happy surprise!), and what you really need to get a handle on. But how do you face doing the things you absolutely have to do?
Get accountability
For many of my clients with ADHD, having a deadline and having a body double makes all the difference. That letter from the solicitor will remain unopened until you open it, it’s not going to throw itself into your hands.
But if you set yourself a power hour each week to work on the things you want to hide from, and have an accountability buddy there with you, you’ll be able to tackle the things you dread.
The Absolute Academy is a wonderful place to develop accountability and support if you choose to, and the women in there will get it. (And they won’t let you get away with not doing it!).
Address time blindness
As well as executive dysfunction, emotions can play havoc with your ability to get things done when you have ADHD. Feelings such as dread and shame can create a barrier to moving into action. And this is one of the causes of time blindness.
I’ve seen emotions affect my ADHD clients’ assessment of time in two ways. For some, a task they dislike (or think they will dislike) feels like it will take forever so it becomes unmanageable and is never tackled. For others, an unappealing task is allocated zero time, because it doesn’t feel worthy of that time. So you put off doing the court paperwork until the last minute because you’d like it to just take a minute and be finished, and then get a shock when it needs several days to work through!
One way to address this is to (perhaps with the help of an accountability buddy to make sure it happens) give it ten minutes. Give your task, whether it’s the Form E, your inbox, or looking into your pension, just ten minutes and see what you can achieve.
One of two things will happen. Either you’ll get a happy surprise at how manageable it is, and be more motivated to pick it up again. Or you’ll see how complex it is. Either way, once the ten minutes is up, set yourself one action to move things forward (which may be asking for help from a professional) and a time when you will take that action. Then, repeat the process as many times as necessary.
Break it down
‘Sorting your divorce out’ is enough to overwhelm anybody. What you need is to break it down into manageable tasks. And, maybe then also break those tasks down again to the smallest action possible.
But how do you create order from chaos in the first place? If you don’t know where to start, please do read How To Be A Lady Who Leaves. There are action points in there to work through. And if you want my help making a personalised plan, book a call to get a coaching session set up.
Reward, reward, reward
I advocate every woman who is navigating divorce takes time out for herself every week. And if you have ADHD, rewarding yourself becomes even more important. Decide what your milestone will be each week, and gift yourself every time you reach it.
It’s also helpful to reframe how you think about your divorce tasks. This is where connecting to your future self and what lies beyond divorce can help you. Rather than think ‘I really should open that email because my solicitor will be waiting for me’, reframe it as ‘I want to respond to that email because it takes me closer to my freedom’. Spend some time thinking about the positives your divorce will bring you, and get excited about the post-divorce life you’ll be living. And let those motivators be the voice in your head rather than the shaming shoulds.
Yes, divorce is hard, but it is do-able, and it can be empowering
Most women think divorce is something they just have to get through. When you have ADHD, adding another unappetising task to your life is the last thing you want. But, believe me when I say, divorce can be an empowering, transformative experience. It can connect you to what you really want from life, and it can show you just what you’re capable of.
I’d love to support you as you take control of your divorce. Let’s do it together! Book a free 15 minute consultation to see how I can help you.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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