The height of summer is supposed to be about blissful, lazy days. Lounging around, sipping drinks, catching up on holiday reading. If you’re a working mum in the midst of the divorce, summer holidays might be just the opposite. Children to entertain, alongside the stress of divorce and keeping on top of work is three jobs in one stress-laced cocktail.
I know many of my clients are in this position, so in this blog I’m going to share the five words you need to cope with your divorce and mum guilt over the summer holidays, and some tips on what that might look like in reality.
The five words you need
I have a friend with three small children, and every time I’m with her as she’s juggling the multiple demands for snacks, toilet trips, etc, I hear the same, well worn phrases come up:
- ‘No, do not hit your brother’
- ‘I’m not a bin, there’s a bin over there’
- ‘Have you washed your hands?’
You can imagine, and probably add your own.
But here’s the one I wanted to share with you today:
‘I am a person too’.
Those five words. She first said this when her children were sharing a packet of chocolate buttons between ‘everyone’ – which turned out to be all the children but not her. And it was no big deal, we laugh regularly at how children don’t consciously recognise the adults in their life as real people.
But it got me thinking about this phrase. It’s one worth remembering, because it is so easy to lose sight of. In theory, we all know that we are people – that we have similar rights and needs as everyone else. But, in reality, when you’re a working parent, and you’re also navigating the emotional rollercoaster of divorce, it’s easy to lose sight of our own personhood.
You are a person too.
What does that mean when you’re divorcing during the summer holidays?
1. It’s okay to put your divorce down
As a divorce coach, one of my key messages is that you are the CEO of your divorce. That means you take charge, you set the direction, you don’t hide from the difficult things, and you harness the resources you need.
Another of my key messages is that you don’t have to do this 24/7. In fact, it’s impossible. There never really was such a thing as a ‘quickie divorce’ in this country, but now a 20 week cooling off period is built into the system. Which means your divorce will take over five months, at the very least (and usually longer). So rest is actually critical. You are a person too, not just someone getting through divorce.
August is a fantastic time to slow down with your divorce. Why? Because everything else does. Whether you have children or not, in England and Wales offices and courts will be operating with fewer staff over the traditional holiday period.
You will end up frazzled if you try to keep all the balls in the air while the children are around. So if something needs to give, trust me as a divorce coach, it’s okay to put your divorce down for a while. In fact, the space will most likely help your clarity of thought and decision-making when you pick it up again.
2. It’s okay to set boundaries with your children to ensure your needs are met
There’s a lot of pressure on summer holidays, just like Christmas, to be magical. But in reality, we all know that life isn’t like an advert for Disneyland. In fact, from what people tell me, an actual trip to Disneyland isn’t like the adverts either! The point is, it’s unrealistic to expect your children’s weeks to pass in a whirl of solid fun and merriment.
You are a person too. That means it’s reasonable and necessary to ensure your needs are met, as well as your children’s. What does that look like? It might mean setting out in advance with your children some dos and don’ts, so they know what to expect.
For example, maybe you’ll say that before 9.30am every morning they can entertain themselves with the TV while you have some quiet time. Or that they will need to go to the kids’ club at the gym for an hour a week so you don’t miss your class. Or that they will need to go to the holiday club each morning for a week so you can do your job.
It might mean allowing yourself to say no calmly before you end up erupting in anger. Constant requests for your attention, or money, or things, can and will wear you down. By recognising how you are feeling and saying ‘no’ before seeing red, you’ll keep the mood calmer for everyone. ‘No, I can’t play mario kart with you now because I am busy, but I will play with you for 20 minutes after 5pm’. ‘No, you can’t have an ice cream every day, but we will go and get one on Friday’.
And, don’t worry. Some of the most magical moments of childhood come from being bored! Read more about the benefits of boredom for children (and all of us!) if you need convincing!
3. It’s okay to take advantage of breaks to come back to yourself
Many of my clients are understandably resentful of the fact their ex-partners are the ‘Disney Dads’. They don’t do the hard work of ensuring the school uniform is clean, or the ballet classes are booked and attended, or that there’s a meal to eat every evening. But then they do show up every so often flashing the cash, paying for amazing holidays, top-of-the-range gear and fabulous day trips.
This is unfair and there’s no way around it. I just have two pieces of advice for you. Firstly, hard as it is to feel right now, your children will see through this. It might not feel like it, but in years to come they will understand everything you’ve done for them, day in, day out. As a divorce coach with ten years’ experience, I’ve supported enough women to know this to be true.
And secondly, this is an opportunity to remember that you are a person too. While it’s not fair that he takes the children to Turkey for a week and you can’t afford to, it does mean that you get a break. Don’t feel guilty about using that break to reconnect with yourself.
You are a person too. You have things you love and things you hate, as everyone does. Your life isn’t just about keeping the plates spinning. It’s about remembering what brings you joy, and making time to do some of those things.
Having time doing things just for you is so important. Your divorce will be better for it (because you’ll have a clearer idea of your vision and values) and your parenting will be better for it (because you’ll have more bandwidth to support your children).
You are a person too
Remember that, over the summer holidays, and always.
If you want support reconnecting with what that really means after the ravages of your marriage, so you can get your divorce truly done your way, just book a call. I’d love to help.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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