The word ‘journey’ is often used about divorce – including by me. Why? Because divorce is a complex process that gets you to somewhere new. It’s a major, stressful life event that requires you to do plenty of reflection and direction-setting. The legal process has simplified in recent years, but that doesn’t mean the emotional or logistical one has. In this blog we’ll map out your personal divorce journey, and I’ll share powerful reflective exercises you can do to stay on track in the tough times.
In this blog we’ll focus on the mindset and emotional side of divorce, but it’s important to stay on top of the practical side of things too. Take a look at this blog on preparing your divorce plan to help with that.
Your divorce starting point
One of the defining features of a journey is that it takes you from one place to another. So as you embark on your journey it’s important to recognise where you’re starting from. And, importantly, what you want to leave behind. Grab your journal and ask yourself these questions:
- Why am I getting divorced? What factors mean I no longer want to be in this marriage?
- What are the red flags about this relationship? What behaviours and dynamics feel unhealthy?
- Is there anything about me I want to leave behind? Are there thoughts, behaviours or ways of being that I no longer want to embody?
- What about me do I want to take with me? What do I like and value about myself? (Remember, if your marriage has ground you down it can feel hard to find things to like and value about yourself, but dig deep, they are there).
It’s so essential to take stock of your current situation as you begin your divorce journey – and to repeat the process regularly. This is for two main reasons.
Firstly, it helps you stay intentional. It gives you some boundaries around how you want to be and don’t want to be, both in relationships and more generally in life, based on your lived experience rather than just desire. Let’s say you find yourself in another relationship. Knowing what you want and don’t want in terms of your own behaviours and relationship dynamics is so valuable for not drifting into old patterns with a new partner.
And, secondly, it reminds you of why it’s important to move on. When the going gets tough in divorce, as it can do, or when your soon-to-be-ex behaves kindly, or treats the children well, it’s tempting to think, ‘It wasn’t so bad. It’ll be easier all round to just go back to how things were.’
These moments are when you need to ground yourself in your starting point. To remind yourself why it’s so important to leave and make a fresh start. To think about the unhealthy dynamics about your marriage and your own behaviours. Even if you do decide to give things a go again, remembering what got you to the point of divorce will help you notice when/if you get back into red flag territory.
Your end point
Sometimes it’s all about the journey, not the destination. With divorce, it’s a lot easier if you focus on both. Both how you make the journey (more on that in a moment) and where you want to end up are important. So let’s think about your destination, or, in other words, your vision.
What do you want your post-divorce future to be like? Having a hopeful, inspiring vision for the future is the pull factor to keep you motivated, just as remembering what you want to leave behind is the push factor.
Think about:
- How you want to feel
- What you’ll do for fun
- What your home will be like
Don’t hold yourself back. Equally, don’t self-sabotage by pretending you want something you don’t. I’ve had cynical clients laugh off visioning exercises by saying something like, ‘Well in an ideal world I’d be living in Bali full time, but that’s not going to happen, is it?’. I have lots of responses to resistance like this!
Firstly, never say never. If it’s truly what you want, then it might be a longer-term plan, but there’s absolutely no reason why you can’t work towards it.
Secondly, is it really what you want or is it just a flippant response? Quite often people say they’d love to be on holiday somewhere tropical full-time, when, in reality, they know that being around friends or family, doing work that’s important to them, or being part of a longer-term community are things that bring them fulfilment and they wouldn’t really want to give up.
And, thirdly, it’s possible to use these ‘blue sky’ visions to understand more about what they want. If ‘living full time in Bali’ has at least a pinch of truth to it, what is it you love about that lifestyle? Would you like your post-divorce life to have more sunshine in it? Would you like to travel more? Or is it the thought of a less stressful lifestyle? Dig into what’s really going on. And base your vision on that.
There are lots of techniques to help you with visioning. Three of my favourites are:
- Journaling: sit down with a notebook, write the question ‘what do I want my life to be like?’ at the top, and see where your pen takes you. You might well surprise yourself with what comes out.
- Vision boards: use words and images from magazines, or print outs from Pinterest, plus colour and doodles to create a vivid collage of what you want your life to be like. Then stick it somewhere you’ll see it every day.
- Conversation: choose your conversation partner wisely! A coach is great for this, or choose a friend who’s a good listener, and will encourage you to open up without making it about them. And start talking about what you want from your life. A good conversation partner will help you pull at threads of ideas, and get more clarity on what’s important.
How you get there
Remember this blog is all about mindset rather than practicalities. Having a divorce plan in tandem with understanding your emotional journey is crucial. A divorce strategist, like me, can help you on all fronts: getting your mindset in order, getting your plan sorted and managing the legal, practical and emotional curveballs along the way.
Let’s focus on mindset for now. Any journey, whether literal or metaphorical, will be beset by issues and opportunities. Roadworks might mean a 45 minute delay. A beauty spot might offer an opportunity for a relaxing pitstop. What’s important is how you deal with whatever’s thrown at you. And that’s where values come in.
Your values are beacons for how you want to live your life. They aren’t goals. They guide you in the way you want to live. So they are vital to understand for your divorce journey. Let’s look at an example. Anna and Gemma have both recently decided to divorce their respective spouses. So their end goals are the same: to get divorced and feel in charge of their lives.
They both reflect on what’s important to them. Anna is 26, has no children, and works full time. Gemma is 47, has two children and works part time, while her husband is the main breadwinner.
Anna realises that a main driving value in her divorce (and life) is freedom. She has felt stifled by marrying early, and is desperate to spread her wings. Gemma wants a comfortable home for her children to finish growing up. She’d like some steadiness in her life after a rocky marriage. She’s driven more by security.
Knowing their respective guiding values will help Anna and Gemma navigate their divorce journey. For example, Anna may choose to be as flexible as possible in the financial settlement, knowing that if she missed out on a couple of thousand pounds she could have negotiated for, it’s worth it for getting the divorce done. While Gemma might make compromises but be determined to keep the family home.
Your values help you pick your battles – and not just when it comes to negotiating over children and finances. Your values teach you what to let go of in life as well. For example, if Anna’s focussed on freedom, she’ll not let the concerns of Great Aunty Betty thinking she’s going off the rails get to her – they are Betty’s concerns, not Anna’s.
There are multiple ways to understand your values, and as a divorce coach and strategist, it’s one of the first things I focus on with my clients. I’ve given a simple example with Anna and Gemma. In reality, a number of values will be at play all at once, and you will shift your priorities and focus in line with your circumstances. It’s absolutely vital and complex work. If you’d like to explore your values for yourself, there are a number of free sort card exercises online.
Your unique divorce journey – your way
Your divorce journey is a very personal one, and it’s so important to take ownership of it. ‘Going with the flow’ might sound like a sensible approach, but it means you lose control of where you end up. It’s true that you’ll need to be flexible and compromise. But knowing what you’re moving away from (your starting point), where you’d like to end up (your vision) and how you’d like to get there (your values) will mean you’re ten times more likely to divorce on your own terms.
It’s hard to do this on your own. You get caught up in your own head. When you work with me, we can sort through it together, whether it’s with the dedicated focus of a Clarity Day, or regular Clarity Over Coffee calls.
Book in your free 15 minute consultation today!
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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