No divorce is easy. Absolutely anyone taking on this transition with integrity has my absolute respect. Divorce is ranked second only to the death of a spouse or child in terms of stressful life events, and the world would be a much kinder place if we all recognised how difficult it can be, and gave the divorce the emotional and practical space it needs.
However, some factors make divorce even more difficult. If you’re in a financially complex, or very low wealth marriage. If you’re divorcing a high-conflict personality. If you, and/or your soon-to-be-ex, are neurodivergent. There will be others – let me know which ones affect you, I’d love to hear.
Of course, all of these diverse challenges will require bespoke approaches. I’m not saying that a woman in a high wealth divorce, facing the complexities of how to protect her future, needs to take exactly the same steps as a woman divorcing a narcissist. However, there are underpinning principles to help anchor you, whatever the reason your divorce is particularly demanding. Here’s what to do if you’re overwhelmed by a difficult divorce.
Meet Louise
Louise (not her real name) is AuDHD (is autistic and has ADHD), having received diagnoses in adulthood. She came to me for support having read How To Be A Lady Who Leaves. Reading this book helped her make an informed decision to divorce, and she wanted support she could trust as the separation and divorce proceeded. What she hadn’t fully understood at the time was how controlling and obstructive her husband would be during the divorce process. Her husband also succeeded in isolating her from friends and her local community networks, by blaming her and her neurodiversity for their divorce. Her children also struggled to accept the decision to divorce.
As you can see, Louise had several factors that made her divorce more complicated than a neurotypical person in an amicable divorce situation. These factors affected her mental and physical health, and also meant that she needed more support to manage the divorce process.
Here are the strategies Louise implemented to overcome these obstacles and retain control of her divorce and life.
Build a community you can trust
Louise lost much of her support network when she separated from her husband. Many of her (so-called) friends dropped away, and she no longer felt able to go to places they’d attended together.
Your sense of self worth can drop through the floor during divorce, especially without a support network around you. So it is absolutely vital to develop trust in yourself, and to seek out people who will genuinely be there for you. This can be a slow process, but every tiny step to rebuilding your sense of self and your community will help you. Here are some things you can do:
- Honour your commitments to yourself: decide to do one tiny healthy (mentally or physically) thing for yourself every day and stick with it. Choose something that’s do-able for you – whether it’s as simple as drinking an extra glass or water, or spending five minutes outside. And don’t beat yourself up if you miss a day, just get back on the wagon and keep going. Slowly but surely, over time this self-trust will grow, and you’ll find yourself making bigger and wiser choices for yourself.
- Find people in a similar situation to you. There is nothing lonelier than feeling as though you’re with people who ‘get it’ and then they simply don’t. If you’re in a divorce support group and people are giving advice like ‘you just need to tell him’ or ‘just sit down and write the email’, it can leave you feeling useless and helpless if those strategies ‘just’ won’t work for you. If you have ADHD and struggle with task completion, seek out others who will understand, and can body double for you. If you’re in a high conflict situation, please don’t take advice from anyone who isn’t, or who isn’t trained in high conflict (this includes your legal representation).
- Join The Absolute Academy. This is my private community for women navigating divorce, and I set the tone in there: no shame, no judgement, and no nonsense either! Me and my team support the Absolute Academy ladies to show up for themselves in their divorce, and support each other. As Mandy says: ‘In the community Emma allows people to share their stories but she doesn’t let us get stuck in man-bashing and ruminating, she guides us away from that because it really isn’t helpful. She encourages us to focus on what’s important to us.’
Get expert advice
It can be so hurtful when ignorant people, even well-meaning ones, give advice that just isn’t applicable to you. And if you try and follow it, because ‘it worked for your neighbour Rachel, so why wouldn’t it work for you’, it can leave you feeling lost and depressed when it doesn’t work.
Please get advice from the experts. So, if you’re in a high conflict divorce, or if you’re neurodivergent, ask your legal team if they have experience of these situations, and get them to explain their approaches.
If you are in a high wealth divorce, you will need specialist financial advice, including, potentially, a forensic accountant. If you are neurodivergent, it will help you to work with someone who understands neurodiversity, rather than expect you to follow strategies that will not be the best fit for your brain. If you are divorcing a high conflict personality, you absolutely will need a different set of tactics than those suggested to people in amicable divorce.
Be clear on what your particular needs and struggles are, and choose your experts wisely. I have a wide network of specialists I can signpost to for all of these scenarios.
Develop an approach that works for you
The person you need to think about most in this divorce is you. Yes, even if you have children.
You need to consider what support you need, and what will work for you. You need to consider your energy levels. The saying ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ has become a cliché now, but the plain fact is that if your health and wellbeing is at risk, there’s nothing left to give.
So, think about pacing. Think about the rhythm of your week. Think about time off from divorce. Think about how you process information, and what support you need to accomplish tasks. Think about your other commitments. And put together a personal methodology that works for you.
Louise, who joined The Absolute Academy, notes:
‘I like the fact that there are different ways to ask for advice, this helps with neurodivergence as well as the limitations of adjusting to single parenting. We can post questions in the group at any time of the day or night or send an email if there is financially confidential information to share, there is a zoom call for chatting and a live call for answering questions on Facebook. Due to my challenges I find posting the most helpful, as I can explain things fully and I can read and process the answers, plus I can get other peoples opinions or experiences then as well. I find the Facebook Live a helpful option too, Emma takes a generous amount of time giving a full answer, which is so helpful – I need to transcribe these times to engage with what has been said and process it, so this takes a bit more time.’
Louise has truly understood the approaches that work for her and her current circumstances, and is seeking help accordingly.
One Day, just for you
Whatever it is that makes your divorce difficult, whether it’s challenges from your soon-to-be-ex or challenges from your circumstances, I can help. And if you want to do it fast, and get the peace of mind that comes with having a strategy and support in place, I’d love you to join me in London on 28 February.
I am running a one-day action session to help you get your divorce to the next level. Me and my co-facilitators will be on hand to give group and individual support so you’ll achieve breakthroughs in your divorce, right there in the room while we’re together. This is a small action-led group, not a hall full of people listening to a presentation from me. It’s live, it’s pro-active and it could well be the life changing event you need in 2025!
Find out more and book your place here.
About Emma
Emma Heptonstall, the Divorce Alchemist is the author of the Amazon best-selling book How to be a Lady Who Leaves, the Ultimate Guide to Getting Divorce Ready. A former lawyer, Emma is a family mediator and founder of Get Divorce Ready, the online self-study programmes, and the newly released ‘Should I be a Lady Who Leaves?’. For More Information on Should I be a Lady Who Leaves? click here.
Emma has been featured on BBC Radio, The Telegraph, the iPaper and in Marie Claire Magazine. Emma is also the host of The Six Minute Divorce Podcast. To find out more visit www.emmaheptonstall.com
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